Beginnings, Endings and Everything in Between
It’s almost 9 and the library will open in a few minutes.
I sit myself on a bench and stare at the street. Cars zip by, everyone is going places. Happy faces, sad faces, rush-rush faces, while a few senior citizens park their cars and patiently wait by the front door.
I sip my coffee and look at the beautiful palm tree standing tall and majestically, as the Florida sun rays caresses its beautiful tropical leaves. The day has begun, a normal Wednesday for most of us.
I enter the library. It’s quiet. I quickly glance at the kid’s corner which is empty and neatly organized. It’s been our meeting place with fellow toddlers and mommies. It’s been part of our weekly activities: a perfect hang out place for us. Sometimes I would try to read and work on my goals, create yoga classes etc. In theory it sounds great to let your toddler play and pick out books they like, while I go about my business.. in theory, sure…
Here I finally have my long wanted moment of peace and quiet, 3 whole hours to myself. I’ve been staring mostly, with my list of a million things I planned to do today, laying in front of me. Staring back at me, waiting for me to get into action and get checked off.
Today is Olivia’s 1st school day.. We’ve been counting the days. She’s been asking about it. She’s been craving social interactions with friends, she needs a best friend and she needs to play with friends, she told me very self-assured, friends her age (no, I’m not her friend she said, I’m her mother).
Not that I have the patience anymore to sit and play with her my little ponies because I’m the one that ends up playing and she’ll be watching and directing me…
I’ve been slowly, very slowly working on going back to teaching yoga and trying to take it to a whole new level. So far I’ve been happy to get my personal morning yoga routine in, in the early morning hours before sunrise, while everyone is still sleeping.
So here it is. This is my time! I’ve been longing for, to be able to work on my yoga teaching plans, without her taking my notebooks for her princess drawings, to be able to go to the bathroom without her following me and talking my head off, to be able to make a phone call without her singing out loud by my side or wanting the phone so she can talk away with some insurance lady, being able to sit in the adult section of the library so I can be on the computer, read or look for books without her running around wanting to go play in the kid’s section, and to be able to.., and…
And here it is. It’s very quiet.
There’s only a handful of people in the library. Mostly grandpa’s and grandma’s, some contently reading a novel, another typing away on the computer. The world keeps turning and mine feels like it’s frozen in time.
I want to tell everyone it’s my daughter’s first day of school. As if this never happened to anyone before.. I tell myself that this is what every parent goes through and it’s normal. It’s really no big deal. “Really Lau”, I tell myself, “it’s no big deal”. My eyes water up.
I open up my notebook and see Olivia’s cute and funny drawings, scribbled here and there. “Don’t cry”, I tell myself.
I take a deep breath.
This is the end of raising my baby and being at home with her full time. It’s been 4 years and I praise myself lucky to have had that time with her. My baby is a big girl now, going to school and starting her new life. I tried to take a picture of her, but she ran away, and at least I was able to snap that milestone.
She barely said goodbye, she was busy discovering new toys and kids. I quietly left, feeling like a part of me has ended. My baby bird is learning how to fly and she is doing it so beautifully. I feel proud and sad at the same time.
I pull myself together and start working on a new beginning.